lothinielflowermaiden

Warning: This chapter contains suicidal thoughts. Please, read with caution. See previous chapters for other warnings.

Chapter Twenty-seven

The other Nordics had noticed that Norway seemed to be distracted by something that morning, but they had not been too worried about it. He had seemed distracted a lot lately, and they just assumed that it was his way of working through everything that he was trying to deal with. They did find it a little worrying that he was still trying to deal with everything alone but accepted that it might still take a little time before he felt he could trust them. And they knew that he was used to dealing with this on his own. The biggest concern they had when they noticed his distraction that morning was that it might add to the rumors that were going around about what was going on with him.

It was late morning by the time they realized that something might actually be wrong. The first indication was when they heard a soft cry, barely loud enough to be heard over the chaos in the room. Despite the quietness of the sound, though, there was no mistaking the fear it held, and they all looked towards Norway. Even having heard the fear in his voice, they were still surprised by his expression of distress and the tears they could see in his eyes.

No one else seemed to have noticed anything yet. There was a big argument taking place on the other side of the room, and most of the other nations present at the meeting had their attention on that. The few that were not involved in or watching the argument were taking the opportunity to converse with their neighbors. But, regardless of what everyone was doing, no one was currently looking towards their table. That meant there still might be time to do something before anyone else noticed and the rumors increased.

The question was what to do. Norway seemed unaware of anyone else in the room, and they were unsure of how to get his attention without risking frightening him more. Plus, they had noticed before that when he seemed this unaware of his surroundings it was almost impossible to get his attention until the memory or whatever it was had passed. They never had figured out what these episodes were. The next sound that he made was a little louder, but still went mostly unnoticed over the surrounding chaos. He was crying now and his breathing was a little too rapid.

Before any of them actually had a chance to act, it was too late to prevent drawing the attention of anyone else in the room. The sounds were now loud enough to begin to draw attention, and the final cry drew everyone's attention—even those who had been involved in the loud argument. The previous chaos was now replaced by complete silence, as the eyes of the most of those present in the room turned towards their table.

That final cry seemed to have ended the episode, as Norway now seemed to be aware of his surroundings. Before anyone could say anything to him, Norway quickly stood up. He briefly used the back of his chair to support himself before turning away from the tables and heading towards the door.

"Nor!"

Norway did not stop or even give any sign that he had heard his name called. He had reached the door by this point, and in another moment, he was gone.

The silence that had fallen a few moments that had fallen earlier was replaced by a barrage of questions about what was going on. The other Nordics ignored all of the questions about what was going on with Norway. They knew that not answering the questions would add to the rumors going around, but at the moment, the most important thing was that they found Norway before something bad happened to him. He still wasn't fully recovered from earlier that summer.

As quickly as they could, they all got up to go in search of Norway. The last thing they heard before leaving the conference room was an announcement that the meeting would be breaking for lunch a little early.

There was no sign of Norway out in the lobby, and his family had no idea where he might have gone. For the moment, they could only hope that he hadn't already left the hotel. There were enough places to search in the hotel, and if he had left, they had no idea how to even begin looking for him. Of course, the best case scenario was that he had simply gone to his room.

"I'll check Norja's room," Finland said. He was the one that was holding onto the extra key, and he was also the one that Norway was most comfortable with at that point. He was also the one who knew for sure just how close to the edge Norway was right now, as he had seen it in some of their conversations.

They split up, the other three checking various public areas in the hotel, while Finland went to check Norway's room. He had really hoped that Norway had just gone there, but the room was empty, and there was no sign that anyone had been there since earlier that morning, before the meeting.

Later none of them would be sure of exactly how long the search had taken. They had gone through every part of the hotel that was open to the public, calling for Norway. They hadn't even bothered with making sure they remembered to use his human name in public.

They had made an attempt at calling his cell phone but the phone had immediately gone to voicemail.

By that point, they were beginning to reach the conclusion that Norway must have left the hotel, and none of them wanted to consider what that might mean. And it was more than the fact that if he wasn't in the hotel, they had no idea where else to look for him. There was also his physical condition to be considered—although none of them wanted to think about it, they were all aware of the reason that the doctors were so concerned about making sure that Norway didn't push himself too hard. They knew that one of the complications that had developed during the previous months wasn't resolving itself the way the doctors had initially believed it would.

They had seen some of the other nations during their search of the hotel, and knew that the meeting had not resumed. However, none of them were worried about missing the afternoon part of the meeting. The most important thing at the moment—possibly the only important thing at the moment—was finding Norway . . . before it was too late.

"Where could he have gone?"

"I don't know. I was hoping that he just gone to his room to be alone. He's probably upset about what happened during the meeting, in addition to whatever he remembered. But his room looks like no one has been there since earlier this morning."

They were in the lobby of the hotel, trying to decide on their next move. If they had to search outside the hotel there was even less guarantee that they would find Norway in time than there had been if he was hiding someplace in the hotel. However, before any of them could make the suggestion of searching outside the hotel, their attention was caught by a conversation between a couple of hotel employees.

"I'm sure that door was locked earlier," one of them was saying. "I don't see how any of the guests could have unlocked it, or why any of them would want to go up on the roof. And now I have to report that open door and have it checked before we can lock it again. The roof is off limits for a reason."

"I'm not sure I'd put anything past those people that are here for that conference. They say they're here for some kind of international conference, but some of them are really strange. And did you catch that commotion last night?"

"No, I wasn't working last night. What happened?"

The two employees had almost completely passed by at that moment, and the conversation had moved on to a recounting of some incident from the previous evening. But they were no longer listening to the conversation, having gotten the information they needed from it.

A door that led to the hotel roof had been opened when it shouldn't have, and that was one place they hadn't thought to look. And, it was a place where no one would be likely to look, so it made sense that Norway might have gone up there to be alone. They could only hope that was why he had gone up there, and not another—more disturbing—reason.

Denmark was the first to reach the stairs leading up the roof. His need to find Norway—to know that Norway was safe—had been so great that he had not waited for the end of the discussion about whether or not the roof was even worth checking. When he reached this final set of stairs, he once again chose not to wait for the others, who were still probably on their way up. He ran up the stairs and to the door that opened onto the roof. The door had been left slightly ajar, and he opened it and stepped out onto the roof.

Norway had in fact gone up to the roof. He was standing near the edge of the roof, facing away from the door. He did not turn around or give any sign that he noticed he was no longer alone.

"Nor?" Denmark took a couple of steps towards Norway. "We've been looking all over for you."

At the sound of Denmark's voice, Norway had spun around to face him. He had an expression of pure terror on his face, for some reason. "Stay away from me!" He backed up a couple of steps, almost to the low wall that ran around edge of the roof. If he actually reached the edge, that wall would be the only thing standing in between him and a long drop to the pavement below.

Despite his tendency to not always respect Norway's boundaries, Denmark did not want to put Norway's life in danger, so he stayed where he was. "Nor, what's wrong?" he asked. He was very worried by the way Norway was acting right now.

Norway did not answer immediately. He still looked completely terrified, and his face was tearstained. He was not crying at the moment, but he looked like he could start again at any time. He also seemed unconcerned by just how close he was to the edge of the roof. After several moments had passed, he finally spoke. "Stay away from me," he repeated. "I don't want to talk to you right now. Not after what you did."

Denmark had no idea what Norway was talking about. Ever since the incident in January, he had tried to be careful to respect Norway's boundaries. Sure he had failed sometimes, but he had been trying. And, it didn't make sense that this could be about that incident in January. That had happened over six months ago—why would Norway just be getting upset about it now?

"Why didn't you ever admit that you just want the same thing Far did?" Norway asked, after a few moments had passed in silence. "You're the one who told me my government had lied to me, but you never said anything about what you did."

So apparently this was about the incident in January. "Nor, that was an accident." It had been a very unfortunate accident, and quite possible the worst thing he could have done in those circumstances, but it had been an accident nonetheless. "I wouldn't do that to you on purpose."

Norway backed up another step, increasing the distance between them. He was right up against the low wall now. "I wanted to trust you," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "I wanted to believe that you might actually care, but you just want that, just like Far. I said that night that you were just like him, but I didn't realize how much. And the others must not care either, because none of them stopped you. They were all right there, and they let you do that. I should have just gone through the door, instead of trying to come back. But I actually thought you cared. I heard you call me—you and Island. And when I heard that, I thought you actually cared, but you just didn't want to lose something you could control. You're probably just waiting for the chance to make me your province again."

"I do care about you, Nor. You're my best friend, and my little brother. And I don't want that from you. If I did, I would have taken it while we were married." Denmark was starting to wish he had waited for the others for once. Some of them might have a better chance of getting through to Norway, since everything he had said so far just seemed to make things so worse. And he was worried by just how close to the edge of the roof Norway was—all it would take was one of those spells of lightheadedness and he could fall. And if he fell from this height, he probably wouldn't survive.

Norway had turned away again, to look back over the edge. Thankfully, he remained within the wall, but there was something worrying about the way he stood so close to the edge, and the way he was looking out at the long drop to the ground below. Even more disturbing was the fact that was once again rubbing the scar on his wrist.

The three other members of the family had not left the lobby immediately. They had been about to when someone had come in from outside and yelled something about there being a jumper on the roof of the hotel. They weren't sure if Norway had gone up there, but if he had then it looked like the scenario that they had all been afraid of. None of them had wanted to admit that was one of the things they were worried about, but they had still worried about it.

The announcement had caused something of a mass exodus out of the lobby, and most of the people in there had headed outside to see what was going on. Most of the other nations were among those who went outside, which meant that more rumors would probably be starting up. Hopefully rumors would be the biggest problem they would have after this was over.

But the rest of the family was left with something of a dilemma. Should they go up to the roof and see if Norway really was up there, or should they inform someone on the hotel staff of their suspicions and let the authorities deal with the situation. There was no doubt that authorities would be summoned after the announcement that had just been made.

Finland had realized the last time he had really talked to Norway just how close to the edge the other man was right now. And he knew that if the suspicions the rest of the family was all harboring about why Norway might have gone up to the roof proved to be true, then Iceland should not witness what might happen.

They all knew that Denmark had immediately gone after Norway, but they had some doubts about whether that would be enough. They probably all needed to get up there soon, but what if they made things worse? What if something they did caused the outcome they were hoping to prevent?

"I'm going to see if I can talk to someone on the hotel staff, and find out what they're doing about the situation," Finland said. He knew that the next thing he was about to suggest was risky, but he couldn't think of a better option. "Sve, can you go up there and try to keep the situation from getting worse?" He there was a risk that having Denmark and Sweden both up there might make the situation worse—if they started fighting that might be the final thing that it took to push Norway over the edge. However, they did seem able to work together when their little brother was actually in danger, so he decided to take a chance on that fact. "I'll be up there as soon as I find out what the staff is planning to do about the situation." Finally he turned to Iceland. "Islanti, I'd like you to stay with me for now."

"I can go up there," Iceland said. "You don't need to keep protecting me from what's going on with Noregur. I need to know that he's alright."

"You can come up later. Right now, I want you to come with me to talk to the hotel staff, and find out if they're doing anything about the situation." He really didn't want to allow Iceland to witness any of this, but wasn't really sure how to prevent that.

Back on the roof, Norway was keeping his attention focused outwards, and trying to ignore the fact that Denmark had not left. He could see that a crowd was gathering down on the ground, and knew what they must be thinking. He wasn't sure if they were wrong—he had been thinking that when he came up here, but something was still holding him back. He realized that he was once again rubbing the scar on his wrist, and forced himself to stop.

He tried not to look at the crowd gathering down on the pavement below—he wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to recognize anyone. There was very little doubt that at least some of the other nations were down there watching him—that might even be where the rest of his family was.

It was taking most of his strength to stay on his feet. He had used most of the strength he had getting out of the conference room and making his way up to the roof. The stairs to the roof were the first full flight of stairs he had climbed since . . . He suddenly realized that he couldn't remember the last time. He knew he had been upstairs for a while, but he still couldn't remember climbing that stairs. That was the one gap that still remained in his memory.

He turned to look back towards where Denmark was still standing and watching him. "Why can't you just leave me alone?" Norway asked. "I said I didn't want to talk to you." He had already said more than he had wanted to. As he looked at his older brother, his mind replayed the recently recovered memory, and he shook his head in an attempt to push the images out. He had calmed down a little when he had first come up here, but now he was starting to have trouble catching his breath again, and he could feel the familiar tightness in his chest returning.

"I'm not leaving you alone up here, Nor."

It was taking all of Norway's remaining strength to keep from losing control, but he was determined not to break down in front of someone who had hurt him before. He couldn't stand the possibility of being hurt like that again. Once again, the need to escape began to come over him.

"You know that he will find another opportunity if you don't get away. All it would take is a couple of steps, and it will all be over. You will never have to be hurt by them again. And you won't be a burden to anyone anymore either. All of the pain will be over in a few moments."

Norway took a couple of steps away from the wall before falling to his knees. That voice had sounded a little like his father, and he didn't want to listen to it. But he couldn't get that thought out of his mind. All he would have to do was get up and walk the few steps back to the wall, climb up on the wall, and then take one more step—and it would all be over. All of the pain, all of the fear—it would all be over. And he would no longer be a burden to his family . . . They would be free to return to their own lives. But still something held him back.

After a moment, he became aware that someone was standing over him, and he looked up to see Denmark. Norway flinched and moved back, without getting to his feet. He couldn't handle it if Denmark touched him right now, not after what he had just remembered.

"Go away," he said, still barely above a whisper. "Leave me alone." He could feel tears forming in his eyes again, and knew that he was about to start crying once again. He was still having trouble catching his breath too, and the pain in his chest was increasing.

It was at that moment that the door to the roof opened again, and Sweden joined the other two Scandinavians on the roof.

Norway used a large part of what remained of his strength to force himself to his feet. He would not look weak in front of both of his older brothers. He could not give them any encouragement to try to take control of him again—especially now that he knew that was all they wanted. He tried to cover up what he was feeling, but he knew he was not completely successful. Once he was standing, he took a couple of steps back until he was right by the wall. He was trying to ignore the growing sense of lightheadedness that had plagued him since he had left the meeting, but he was not sure how long he could be successful.

For the first few moments, no one said anything. This was the first time in a while that the three of them had been alone together, which added another complication to an already difficult situation.

Norway looked back down towards the ground. For a moment he once again thought about how it easy it would be—just another couple steps and he could be free from all the pain of this past year. He would no longer have to live with the fear and the constant struggle to keep the fear hidden as much as possible. He would no longer have to face all of the memories of everything that had happened during the years he had lived with his father.

This time he knew what held him back. He did not feel like he could take those final steps while both of his older brothers were standing there watching him. Despite the fact that he was almost completely convinced they only wanted to use him, there was still a part of him that wanted to believe they cared. There had been a time once, a long time ago, when he had really believed he could trust them, and he could remember more of that time now. But the many incidents over the intervening years had eroded that trust until there was very little left.

From behind him, he could hear them talking to each other, but he couldn't focus enough to really follow what they were talking about. There were two things that he did notice, though. The first was that they were talking to each other—talking, not arguing. The second was that they were talking about him. Without turning around to look at them, he repeated what he had said a couple of times before. "Leave me alone. I just want to be alone." He kept his gaze focused down towards the crowd, watching the crowd that was still gathering down there.

"Norge, w' can't leave y' alone up here. Y're not supposed t' be up here, and th' hotel staff is calling someone wh' can make y' come down. Everyone thinks that y' came up here t' kill y'rself."

Norway did not turn around when he replied. "I came up here because I didn't think anyone would look here. I just want to be alone. I don't want to be around people who just see me as something to control. And why would you care if that was why I came up here—that would leave you free to go on with your own lives. I wouldn't be a burden to you anymore. And I know that I was never more than a possession to either of you, so don't bother pretending that you care now."

"Y' weren't a possession."

"Then I was a replacement. It doesn't make that much of a difference." Norway still kept his gaze focused on the ground far below.

"Nor, you almost died back then. You weren't strong enough to be on your own. If you had left, you probably would have died, so I made sure you couldn't leave."

Norway finally turned around to face them. "Maybe I would have rather taken that chance, instead of having to spend four hundred years as nothing more than your province. I'd taken care of myself and Island up until then, and I could have continued doing so. You weren't offering your protection when I actually wanted it. All of those years that I lived with Far, I kept hoping that you would find out what he was doing and help me. Every night for the first year, I used to cry myself to sleep and I would have given anything to be rescued then. And neither of you ever saw. You just thought I was his favorite." He had to stop talking long enough to catch his breath, but now that he had started, he just couldn't stop talking. He had kept all of this bottled up for too long, now, and could no longer keep it all buried.

He could not look at them as he continued to say everything that he had kept buried for so long. "After I had Island, I vowed to protect him and make sure that he had a better childhood than I did. But I couldn't even do that. You separated us from each other, and you wouldn't even let me see him. Did either of you ever think about how I may have felt about being traded between you like some kind of prize, or how difficult it was to be separated from my child."

"W' didn't kn'w h' was y'r child until l'st year."

"Would it have made a difference if you had known? All either of you cared about was your fight with each other. I was nothing more than a pawn to you in that fight. I was nothing more than something that you could control, or a replacement." Norway knew that he was close to breaking down again, and he wanted to get away before that happened. He did not want to stay here and listen to any more of their lies, but there was no where he could go. He was right up against the wall the circled the edge of the roof, and if he tried to go back into the hotel, they would just follow him. He turned around again, and looked back out towards the crowd gathered below. As he did so, a stronger wave of lightheadedness swept over him, and he stumbled and almost fell.

"Nor!"

Norway just managed to catch himself and stay on his feet—and on the roof. He did not acknowledge the call from behind him. He still felt somewhat lightheaded, and it was taking all of his control at the moment just to stay standing. The events of the morning had almost been more than he could handle physically, and he knew that soon what strength remained would run out. He also knew that if he stayed right where he was, when that happened, it would save him the trouble of having to make the decision to take those final steps.

"Norge, y' weren't a replacement. I w's worried 'bout what would happen t' y' if y' stayed with Danmark. 'nd if there h'd been a way, I would have taken Island as well."

For a moment, Norway thought about that. Neither of the two unions really stood out as a pleasant memory in his mind, although they were nothing compared to the years he had lived with his father. It was true the second union, the one he had been in with Sweden, had lasted for less than a hundred years. He had eventually been allowed to leave that union, even if that had been with the expectation that he would fail—an expectation that he had spent many of the years since trying to prove wrong. And even during that union, he had been allowed some small degrees of freedom—he had been allowed to keep his constitution, he had been allowed to have his own flag (even if he still had to include the symbol of the union). So maybe in those few ways that union had been the better one.

Slowly, Norway turned around to face his brothers, noticing that they had moved closer to him while his back was turned. Any apprehension he might have felt because of that fact was forgotten as another wave of lightheadedness swept over him. This was the strongest wave so far, and he stumbled back from the force of it. This time he was unable to stop himself and backed right into the low wall that surrounding the roof. He was starting to lose his awareness of his surroundings. As his awareness started to fade, felt himself falling. He thought he felt someone grab his arm. And then there was nothing but darkness.

Author's notes:

I'm sorry about the cliffhanger, but I hope to have the next chapter out next week or early the week after at the latest. It's actually written, so I can post it as soon as it's edited. (I'm actually working on chapter thirty-two right now. I've been doing this story for Camp Nano this month, and I think I may actually manage to win.)

Part of the reason I'm writing so far ahead right now is because school starts again next week. And, since this is going to be my last semester, I'm also going to be job hunting. So I wanted to get as much of this story written out while I had the time as I could. That way if I get really busy with real life stuff, I'll have several chapters that will just need to be edited.

I don't think I really have anything that I need to explain in this chapter, but if anyone has any questions I will try to remember to address them when I post the next chapter.

Please review. I'm a little sad that no one reviewed the chapter before this one, even though that chapter didn't really contain much to review.